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Friday, April 17, 2009

Stupid Quotes...

You know, Leno has this bit called headlines where he shows stupid quotes, unfortunate pictures placed near other articles and such.
Well, the Washington Post has a bit called the style invitational where the writer posts contest premises for readers to send in stuff to.
Well, needless to say, there seems to be an very unfortunate wealth of people making stupid comments out there.
Here is a bit that ran a while ago on DQ Lines. Dis-Qualification Lines said or heard on dates...

Style Invitational
by The Empress

Report From Week 806

in which we asked for "disqualifying statements" made by a would-be romantic interest: We got many entries along the line of "After my fourth wife's death was ruled an accident . . ." and "Cat Number 27 is named . . . ." Several Losers cited actual dates: Francesca Kelly's suitor offered to show her the human ear he kept in a jar. Elizabeth Molye's would-be beau bragged, "I make beautiful babies with white women." Maureen Driscoll swears her date confided, "I never thought I'd go out with someone as old as you." And Ann DeMart's driving companion noted, "That's the scar from when I tried to cut my arm off."

We interrupt these results to show you the latest Style Invitational Magnets, to be awarded to future Honorable Mentions. (See the magnets in the slideshow at right.) Lee Dobbins of Arlington and Ed Gordon of Georgetown, Tex., each win the ever-more-famous Bob Staake's original sketch for the design, along with the actual magnet in the usual business-card size.

4. "I always flush six times because I want to be sure everything has gone down and flushing seven times would just be stupid." (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

3. ". . . President unquote Obama . . ." (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

2.the winner of the remote-control-motif necktie: "I like tapas because I can put each little dish on a separate credit card." (Cy Gardner, Arlington)

And the Winner of the Inker

"I'm so excited -- I've never been on a second date before." (Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)

Didn't Get Past First Base: Honorable Mentions

"This is the nicest restaurant in town that's more than 500 yards from any school, playground or bike path." (Kevin D'Eustachio, Beltsville)

"April 20? No, I'm sorry, I can't -- I always celebrate Der Fuhrer's birthday alone." (Michael Turniansky, Pikesville, Md.)

"Please don't hold your fork that way. Watch. Do it like this. Better." (Dave Zarrow, Reston)

"I like to talk in rhyme. I do it all the time. I find it quite sublime." (Rob Cohen, Potomac)

"You know, the real way to collect butterflies is to pin them to the board while they're still alive." (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

"I was going to take you to a fancier restaurant than this, but I thought you might feel out of place." (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)

"Then the guy tells me my butt tattoo looks infected, so I say, 'Which do you mean, the tattoo on my butt or the one OF a butt?' (Russell Beland, Fairfax)

"Sorry I'm late, but I couldn't find my Tuesday underwear." (Mike Ostapiej, Tracy, Calif.)

"I'm sorry I'm staring. I'm just used to seeing you through the blinds." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

"While we wait, let's get the packets from the other tables so we can sprinkle them and make sugar angels!" (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

"Spending time with my kids is so much easier now that they're all in the same prison." (Sally Fasman, Washington)

"A lot of people are, you know, prejudiced against dogfighting . . ." (Michael Reinemer, Annandale)

"Chris Hansen looks a lot taller in person." (Gordon Barnes, Alexandria, a First Offender)

"My therapist says I'm ready for a transitional relationship." (Matt Wagner, Hagerstown, Md., a First Offender)

"I was really hoping Bush would run for a third term." (Mike Ostapiej)

"Like so many other people, I got caught up in the self-asphyxiation craze for a while." (John Shea, Lansdowne, Pa.)

"With the opposite sex, I usually bat around .200, but with you I have the distinct feeling that it'll be closer to .400 or at least .344, which is Ted Williams's lifetime batting average." (John Shea)

"Is this the part of the date where you trot out some spiel about your quote-unquote values?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

"Two factors!! Sorry, I always shout that whenever I hear a prime number." (William Kane, Arlington)

"Hey, don't you work out at 6:30 on Monday-Wednesday-Friday, and 9-11 a.m. Saturday, and then drive home in your red Honda Civic, usually stopping for coffee at either Starbucks or Tiger Mart depending on whether you need to refill your tank using your Speedpass?" (JB Richardson, Falls Church, a First Offender)

"Okay, now, I'll sneak into the movie and then let you in one of the exit doors." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"I hear that flat-chested girls try harder in the sack." (Chuck Smith)

"Hey, babe, I'm playing Obama tonight, and do I have a stimulus package for you!" (Tom Lacombe, Browntown, Va.)

"What did Jeff Brechlin mean by that? Well, what Jeff Brechlin wanted you to know is that Jeff Brechlin is happy to meet you, and that . . . " (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

"I wish my sister's breasts were as large as yours." (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

"My last girlfriend was the Empress, though we never actually went out . . ." (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)


Sam April 17, 2009 at 12:46 PM  

"I can't wait to show you my matching set of 'His' and 'Hers' rectal thermometers!" (Sam Branstner, Baxter, MN)

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